Understanding How Men Grieve

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The topic of grief is nuanced and individual, with every person experiencing their own journey through the aftermath of a loss. After all, the death of a loved one will shake the foundation of anyone’s world, regardless of gender; however, a man in the aftermath of loss is especially under-prepared for the emotional blows that follow.

Generally, men are encouraged to keep a stiff upper lip in difficult times. So, when faced with the most difficult emotional experience a man can have – grief, his inner turmoil confounds him and his grief may manifest itself in ways that are misunderstood by those around him, further driving him inward to face himself alone. Understanding how a man may experience and cope with grief is the first step to being a helpful, rather than harmful, presence.

What Does Grief Look Like In Men?

Grieving men may appear cold, disinterested, or even angry by the loss they are experiencing – when this couldn’t be further from the truth. Men are just as emotional as women, with the greatest difference being social conditioning which has shown men must withdraw and remain strong without help.

Unfortunately, men have been raised (although this is changing) to feel the need to remain strong and self-contained. When it comes time to express grief, this mentality can be detrimental for men, leaving them unequipped to cope with their loss.

“The outward expression of grief is called mourning. All men grieve when someone they love dies, but if they are to heal, they must also mourn.” – Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt.

Men retreat into stoicism, which is defined as ‘the endurance of pain or hardship without the display of feelings and without complaint.’ A great way to approach a man who’s grieving is to offer your understanding. You cannot change centuries of social conditioning in a moment but you can at least offer your support and show him you’re there to listen.

Male Action-Oriented Coping

Women tend to react to grief by turning inward and focusing on themselves to work through the emotions they’re dealing with. This involves emotional vulnerability within oneself so as to come out of grief fully realized and comfortable with the reality of the loss. With men, the act of being emotionally honest, even with themselves, is very difficult. Men have been raised to push through their own inner turmoils and get work done to be a “provider” or “protector.” This can lead to men throwing themselves into their work or a cause to distract from the painful feelings.

This is also called “instrumental” grieving, which refers to a more cognitive, action-oriented response rather than an emotionally expressive one.

In a Lakefront Psychology article, Suzanne J Smith, Ph.D., writes,

“Men often value fulfilling the role as protectors or fixers. Grieving can leave anyone feeling helpless and powerless at times. So men often respond to this uncomfortable feeling by focusing on something they can accomplish or control. They may feel a sense of satisfaction or purpose when they direct their energy on projects that have a concrete, physical, or financial goal to be achieved… All of this can provide a temporary relief from the pain of grief which can be helpful in small doses. The danger is when this busyness becomes complete avoidance of vulnerable feelings…and leads to isolation.”

To break down that barrier, get him involved in an activity he enjoys doing. Whether it’s a hike, carpentry, or a sport of some kind; men have the tendency to release some of what they feel when they can distract themselves while doing so. Verbal vulnerability is also not easy for men so do understand that even with showing and expressing your support, a man may still not open up about what he’s feeling. The best thing to do is simply offer a listening ear and show him you’re there for him.

As stoic or distant as a man may make himself to be while grieving, to misunderstand his reaction and believe that he is not affected by the loss has the potential to be hurtful to him even more.

Try to Understand Him

It is extremely important for those who have a grieving man in their lives to consistently show their support.

Leaving a man alone, even if he isolates himself, will only serve to make the situation worse. Think about it this way, when you don’t feel good and no one checks in, you feel worse.

It is especially vital to not leave anyone to their own devices after experiencing a death. People in the throes of grief can turn to self-destructive behaviors or unhealthy coping mechanisms. In men, for example, research shows that they are more likely to “somaticize emotional and psychological pain” – that is to say, men are more likely to present physical, physiological symptoms reflecting their internal pain. This usually manifests itself with men in pain experiencing symptoms such as fatigue, anger, withdrawal, and substance abuse.

Studies also show that men are more likely to commit suicide than women in the aftermath of losing a loved one. Men can fall into suicidal ideations by being too hard on themselves – blaming themselves for the death or circumstances revolving the death, even when there is no blame to be had. Suicidal thoughts could also be due to a build-up of internalized stress or the lack of a supportive and caring social network. It is up to a grieving man’s support system to be vigilant and present to remind him that life is still worth living.

Advice for the Grieving Man and Those Who Love Him

In a comprehensive article titled “Loss, Grief, and Manliness: What Every Man Should Know About Losing a Loved One”, licensed counselor Brian Burnham gives the following advice for the grieving man and those hoping to help a grieving man:

Tips for the Grieving Man

– Experience your grief in your own way. As long as you are not harming yourself or others, there is no wrong way to grieve. Grief is a unique experience for every man and the way you grieve may not be what others expect or what you expected for yourself. Permitting yourself to honestly experience grief is an important step towards healing.

– Give yourself time to grieve. After the passing of a loved one, there are often many arrangements to be made and others mourners to be supported and cared for. While no man wants to shirk his duty, it is important to allow time for yourself to grieve as well.

– Watch out for harmful behaviors. While experiencing anger is normal, it is important to manage that anger so that it doesn’t harm others. Also, grieving men are much more likely to develop problems with alcohol or other substances. Their use should be carefully monitored.

– Call on your man friends. Other men, especially other men who have had a similar loss, can be some of your strongest sources of support.

– Know when to seek help. For most grieving men, psychological counseling may be helpful but is not necessary. However, if you experience serious thoughts of suicide or self-harm or develop an alcohol or other drug problem, seek psychological care immediately.

Tips for Helping a Grieving Man

– Be there. Simply knowing that you are available to support him has a positive impact on a grieving man. Even if you think it goes without saying, make it a point to tell him that you are available and willing to help.

– Listen. A grieving man may or may not want to talk about his experiences. If he does, listen openly. Generally, the less you talk the better. Avoid giving advice or problem solving unless asked.

– Allow him to experience his grief his way. Don’t set timetables for his grief or expect him to grieve in a certain way. Follow his lead in how you can help.

– Take care of yourself. Seeing a friend in the depths of grief is difficult and takes its toll mentally. Make sure to provide for your own care so that you have the energy required to help your friend.

– Know when to seek help. Most men will proceed through the grieving process without need for psychological counseling, however, if your friend threatens or attempts suicide, harms or threatens to harm themselves or others, or develops an alcohol or drug problem, advise them to seek psychological care immediately.”

Grieving is a Personal Journey

Ultimately, grief is a non-linear process – a continually raw wound that may scab but never fully heal – an individual experience that doesn’t respect any timeline, theory, or attempt to conceal. For men, grief can be debilitating in its loneliness. If you know a man who’s dealing with the pain of grief, reach out and show your support. Let him feel your companionship and assure him he’s not alone.

Here at GetUrns, we hope to help with this pain of losing a loved one by being a resource people can turn to for more information on death and death practices. Please take a look at our blog for more positive words or assistance.

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